Some Things I Mustn't Do In Forks
by glitterhallucinogens
Summary: Various things you should never do if you EVER are in Forks. Disclaimer: I do not own twilight, i owe all characters to Stephanie Meyer. R&R please!


_Author's Note: This is a twilight spoof. R&R plz!_

You should never tell a bloodthirsty vampire that he if he plans to bite YOU, he should brush his teeth first.

It would not be wise to advise him to comb his hair, because he's looking scruffy.

Do not mention that if he got a washing machine, he might be the most eligible bachelor in Forks.

Do not tell him "Just wait! My Eddykins will kick your butt!

Never recommend anger management classes to a violent vampire.

We do not suggest that you tell him as he's biting you "Hear that artery? That's actually your conscience telling you it's ok to be sad and lonely."

Never scoff at a vampire and say, "Dracula would be ashamed."

Never give a hungry vampire your therapist's business card.

Do not hand a bloodthirsty vampire a breath mint.

Do sing any inspirational songs if a vampire is about to kill do not care for inspirational songs.

Never give a vampire a nail filer.

Do not ask Edward if he's bipolar.

Vampires will be very offended if you offer them floss.

Do not say, " You have warm undertones, so I would recommend a dull navy blue to compliment your tan skin and golden hair." Vampires are not color coordinated nor concerned about beauty.

When James presses his dry lips to your neck to begin ripping you apart,it is not advised you hand him your Raspberry Vanilla chapstick, even if it does smell nice.

Do not ask James if he prefers "James" or "Jimmy".

Do not tell him, that if gonna rip you apart, he should share.

It is not a good idea to ask if he's gonna recycle your bones.

Do not ask him if he'd like a beverage.

Do not mention that you might taste better with a tinge of basil and lemon.

Do not say that he should skip the stomach, because you've been having McDonald's for dinner.

I will not poke an attractive vampire who's about to devour me to see if his face is real.

Do not tell Victoria that your leprecheun Joshua will save you.

I will not ask a vampire who's biting you neck if he likes the brand of perfume your using.

It is not appropriate to tell a sadistic vampire to take Mike instead.

You should not bet on which vampire will come out alive.

I will not call Rosalie Goldilocks.

It is unadvised you call the Volturi, "Snobby vampire trash."

Do not say Alice drinks too much Red Bull. It's rude and uncalled for.

I will not claim that Emmett is on Steroids.

I will not tell James that Voldemort called and challenged him to a duel.

Do not tell Rosalie that you see hair loss in her future. Because she will ask Alice if it's true, and it's a very awkward position.

I will not tell Jasper Edward's cheating on Bella for him.

Do not ask James when the last time he bathed was. It will make him uncomfortable, not to mention it's just impolite.

I will not fake the need to go to the Forks Hospital just so Carlisle would save me.

It may decrease your chances of survival if you call James scruffy riff-raff.

I will not poke myself with a needle just so Jasper will come and bite me.

Do not call Jasper "Jazzy."

It's not necessary to chop off part of Rosalie's hair so you can make a wig out of it. People will assume you need intense thereapy, and it's very rude.

I will not be blatantly rude to James. (E.x.; "James , Mummy's called. She says it's time to go feed your pet human Bella!!!) Unless you are suicidal, this is very a bad idea.

I will not tell Bella that Edward went on a date with James. This will cause Bella to be masochistic.

I will not encourage the idea that Edward is really from Mexico and he has another vampire girlfriend named Linda.

I will tell not everyone James is a mermaid.

I will not tell Victoria that Rosalie has a thing for her.

It is not a good idea to encourage the idea that Alice is indeed a pixie.

It is not allowed to bribe a vampire to change you with cupcakes. Even if it was made with your own sweat and blood. Literally.

You should not make an Edward doll and take to prom.

Edward is not your, nor my knight in shining armor. He's just a vampire with dazzling looks.

If you are cornered by James in a dark forest, do not ask James if he wants to play Hide-&-Go-Seek.

It is not appropriate to bite yourself and warn all vampires that you are a tough customer.

_Well that's all! And the name Victoria is associated with the Irish, just incase someone was a bit iffy on that. Remember to review whether you like it or not!_

_Thanks for reading! –Spaghetti. (my nickname)_


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